LIFE – NOT JUST A MERRY-GO-ROUND

          [PHOTO SOURCE: GOOGLE online images 'Merry Go Round']

[April 2012 -- Don't ask me why I wrote this and paired it with a Merry-Go-Round, for there are no children in the senior community where I reside and I rarely see a playground.  So just, put it down as thinking fanciful thoughts about my Life and all that has gone on about me, while I was waiting for my turn to 'ride'.]

Submitted by: Dorothy Hazel Tarr

Have you ever watched children on the playground taking turns on the Merry-Go-Round ride?

I recall, like it was yesterday, climbing on the Merry-Go-Round and feeling the breeze brush my cheeks, and getting a little dizzy watching the world spin around me.

Yes, the world seemed to spin around me, and I was at its center (my favorite and choicest spot).  The center spot was the easiest place to be if others were pushing the merry-go-round, for one could just enjoy the ride without expending any effort.

When I was in an adventurist mode, I would hang on the bars at the edge and run alongside to push and make it go round faster; then jump on to the edge and feel the G-force of the fast ride.  Sometimes I would hang out a hand or foot to feel the rush of my blood flow to my fingers and toes—it felt good to be so alive and youthful.

Oh, those were the days!

But, you know what!  My LIFE has been spinning around me all the time, while I was seemingly getting ready for the ride.  First, I went to school, college, marriage, child birthing, raising a small family, then more college and a career, then divorce, and it just went by faster and faster.

Now at the end of my ride, in my Winter Years, I look back and tears flood my eyes at all that went by – just spinning about me.  Little is left from those years that sped by so quickly.

My grandparents, aunts, uncles, mother, cousins, and friends have all finished their rides (aka died) and I'm alone here.  And, it is just no fun pushing that ole Merry-Go-Round by myself.

             [PHOTO SOURCE: GOOGLE online images 'Merry Go Round']

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SOURCE LINKS—

 
The History of the Merry Go Round:
Def: On the playground, the merry-go-round is generally a simple, child-powered rotating platform with bars and/or handles for children to hold onto while riding.  Merry-go-rounds on the playground and colorful carousels at the theme park have fascinated and delighted both children and adults for many, many years.  They will continue to be a source of entertainment for years to come as future generations enjoy the thrill of the wind whipping through their hair as they ride the “flying horses.”

[http://www.infobarrel.com/The_History_of_the_Merry_Go_Round]

LOVE'S OWN DREAM

            [Photo Source:  GOOGLE online images]

(5 Feb 2012  --  There is a song in my head and a melody in my heart – the verse forgotten by my Lover and unsung.  Wherever I wander, whenever I lay in slumber, the memories follow as familiar companions.  As the old patterns in my life are retraced, I relive anew those precious times with my LOVE.  They are all that I hold dear and are more precious and treasured than ever.  The past is gone, and while the loss has been devastating, there is nothing that can be done to really regain what is lost.  While I do not want to let go of my treasured memories, choosing to live in my past will never completely assuage my loss, nor completely erase the pain I feel now and the void in my life.  Day – by – day, I walk through my life retracing the worn, rocky, and difficult pathways of my memories, reliving times long gone, but made afresh from daily visits.  Ever faithful to my memories, I tend them with special care deserved of heartfelt treasures dreams in hues of LOVE.  dht)

The sweet words of LOVE –

but a melody in my memory.

LOVE stayed but for a while –

then took flight on the wings of Time.

The bonds that would stay LOVE –  

faltered and frayed.

LOVE's voice is silent –

the story untold.

Whispered words of LOVE only a memory –

on a sea of tears.

The current of my tears –

drown my heart in the swollen waters of grief.

My salty lips have lost their smile --

my achy heart has lost its joy.

Dreams of LOVE stalk my nights –

then follow a carved path through my days.

A bond set by a prayer –

later severed by a gavel.

There is no LOVE in your eyes –

no comfort in your arms.

Through the passage of the years –

LOVE's dream follows in lonely corridors.

The tears taste bittersweet –

in my wanderer's loveless sojourn.

As I lay, I wonder --

while I watch the magic of LOVE's dream play out – again.

Time's forgetfulness awaits the dreamer –

where my lover's face shines with tenderness and comfort.

My walk is solo at the end –

without LOVE's candle, warmth, or flame.

The day grows cold and I grow old –

with only dream shadows to follow.

LOVE's remembered moments –

will not be swept away by Nature's taps.

A single note of LOVE's melody –

plays on in my Heart's embrace.

It is so much easier to LOVE the melody –

than to LOVE the withered leafless vine.

Your melody played on after I was gone –

but to another's tune.

To my heart you are no stranger –

to my LOVE you are no captive.

LOVE words spoken at an alter –

now lost on a sea of tears.

Names written on a vowel –

erased by legalese.

The melody from our LOVE song –

a forgotten verse unsung.

My final rest will not be alongside you –

your name not chiseled on my headstone.

LOVE's tendrils shroud my heart –

LOVE's ashes my monument.

LOVE's absence leaves my life raw and unfinished –

albeit the end is nearer.

All my windows and doors are open –

all my LOVE a memory.

JUST LOVE'S OWN DREAM.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

BLANK PAGES

[Photo Source: Google online images]

LOST LOVE – ESTRANGEMENT – DIVORCE

 (19 Jan 2012 – Today is the anniversary of the end of a marriage that began in 30 Nov 1963 and ended 19 Jan 1979.  The LOVE that was promised did not thrive and bloom – it was not tended with care and was left to wither into the dust of estrangement and divorce.  My daughter asked me once why I cried over the loss of my LOVE and why I thought all the time about my Lost LOVE  -- especially, she said, because he did NOT think about me but had moved on with his life and remarried.  My unspoken answer is the same today as it was then, I LOVE and CARE for him with all my heart and feel so sad that it was not returned in kind.  I have NOT been able to 'move on' for I hold him close in my Heart and Mind.  dht)

Today I am again alone to celebrate still another Anniversary without my spouse.  I so dread this day...my bad day started January 1 when I knew today was going to be here whether I wanted it to or not.  I know he is with me in my Heart, but it is just not the same.  I celebrate alone his birthday as I do each year, on January 13.  And my own birthday on 22 Jan, I will celebrate alone too.  It never gets easier – each 30 Nov, I celebrate our wedding day.  Then too, there are the special occasions each year that I have missed spending with him and our daughter.  Family estrangements are difficult to live through and survive.  Each day carries its own burdens and tears.  I just do not know if it is ever going to get any easier...any of it...the pain with in my heart is unbearable.  I miss him more now than I ever have.  I long for him.  I long to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much he means to me -- tell him how much I LOVE him.  I miss everything about him and the things we did, shared, and could have shared through the years.  I LOVE you dear with all my Heart, Mind, and Spirit – if only you had LOVED me in return.

The anguish in my Heart and agony of my grief echoes in the empty halls of my Spirit.  The silent storm of my tears through the years a proof of a LOVE lost – the grave and barren existence without you and the Family that I so hoped for.  In many ways I feel blessed that I have known you and our daughter and you were a part of my Life – it is so hard to say goodbye to what was Lost.  I am broken in so many ways I could not have imagined – my Heartaches.  My Life ended when I LOST my LOVE and I have never been sure who I am since.  There is not a moment, hour, day, week, month, year, decade that goes by that I do not grieve the Loss of my LOVE. In my Heart, those I LOVE 'walk beside me' everyday – unseen by the eye, unheard by the ear – yet always near, LOVEd, and missed.

In the book of my life the pages are blank after my LOVE was LOST – all the children that were never born, the birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, grand children – never lived, never written, never to be. 

Life went on – but without me!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

TRANSITIONS – 2011-TO-2012

[Photo Source:  Google online images "New Year 2012"]

(23 DEC 2011 -- The endings and beginnings of events in our Lives are what stand in our memories.  For some there is birth, another death, and still others an illness or infirmity that are part of the passing Year 2011.  Feelings of Grief may shadow the close of the Year 2011 due to the ending of a marriage, relationship, occupation, education, service, or financial status.  While looking forward to 2012, those living may resolve to 'turn a new leaf', make a change, or gather new courage to just continue in the face of diminished Hope.  dht)

As the Year 2011 comes to a close, so the New Year 2012 awaits to begin.

For some the Year 2011 will be carved into their gravestone as the sign of the ending of their Life's Journey.

For others the Year 2011 will be written as their birthdate on their Birth Certificate.

For still others the Year 2011 will be remembered as the date of Graduation from school, entering or exiting the US Military, Marriage, Divorce, buying a car or house, bankruptcy, or more.

This New Year 2012 holds the sameness of prior years in Nature's Seasons – Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter.

There are also the same special Holidays in which to pause and ponder the World around us and our place in it.

There will be births, deaths, and other events of a person's Life on the Pages of the Calendar for 2012.

For many the Transition to the New Year 2012 is merely the Turning of a Page on a Calendar.

What will be the final notes on Your Appointment Calendar as 2011 Pages are closed? 

What reminders will be jotted down on the Calendar as 2012 Pages are opened?

[May the Angel on your shoulder watch over you all the moments of your Life's Journey.  HAPPY NEW YEAR – 2012. DOROTHY HAZEL TARR]

The Scene in the Window

                          [Photo Source: Google online images]

(1 DEC 2011 – A song without sound – a song without music. A song is sung, but the melody is mute.  dht)

CHORUS:

    Another year passes and

   the scene in the Window changes.

A Knee is bent and a Ring accepted.

A Veil is lifted and a wedding Kiss is shared.

A Child is born and lies in its Crib.

A Gavel is struck and a Marriage is severed.

A Web appears and Youth's image is lost.

A Tear falls and a Timeless River flows.

A Pen in hand and a Life's Story is written.

A prayer of dust-to-dust and a Journey ends.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011] 

                           [Photo Source: Google online images]

RIP – Be Still

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(28 NOV 2011 – My weary Heart beats discordant with Time – for my Heart lies in the Past with my Memories.  Life goes on all around me as Nature takes its turn in Time with the changing of Life's seasons.  My steps are disharmonious with Nature's Time - My Heart is tired of the Loss.)  [dht-2011] 

BE STILL my weary Heart.

Listen to Nature's Heartbeat. –

In accord with the changes of Nature's Seasons.

Rest here in Nature's bosom –

In accord with the changes of My Seasons.

As one with Nature's Hourglass –

In accord with the changes of Life's Seasons.

Rest In Peace my weary Heart –

BE STILL.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011]

                   [Photo Source: Google online images]

FROM HERE TO TOMORROW

[Photo Source: Google online images]

 

(22 NOV 2011 -  The Holidays and special remembered occasions bring their own weighted burden to one's Heart – a Birthday, a Wedding, an Anniversary, a Death, a Divorce, a Thanksgiving, a Christmas, a Valentine, a ...   At such Times, all of one's resources are needed, and lots of tissues, to pass through those potent memories so laden with Love and Pain. dht )

All too often, my thoughts turn backwards in Time – to where the memories assail.

Every time I come to a turn in the Pathways in my Life or a Time when the daily routine leaves my mind free to wander – my thoughts drift over the Past like a frequent visitor. 

I wonder anew where my Life's Journey would have taken me if I had made different choices.

Where is the Path to Peace and Happiness?  It surely cannot lie in Tomorrow, although it had its roots in Yesterday – that Path is overgrown now with the weeds of despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears.

Surviving a prolonged state of depression causes one to shift their thinking and straddle emotional distress.

The weight of my past, my memories – is an overwhelming burden that buries my feelings in despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears.

There is nothing like the holidays to bring back old memories of days gone by, lost loves, families estranged, loneliness, and the bittersweet memories of former Times – all past now leaving an emptiness in the Path.

The Last Chapter –
the last part of my Life's Journey.

HOW will it be written?  With despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears, with an unending –
never-ending sameness –

From Here-To-Tomorrow?

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

Lost Loves - Lost Faces

                                   [Photo Source:  Google online images]
 

(12 NOV 2011 – Some images -- some words just speak to the Heart -- from the Heart.  Below are the words of my maternal Cousin Emily that have a special meaning for me this month, for I was wed in November and 'rode away' in November – and continue to miss the Faces of my Lost Loves in an absence of over 30 years.  dht)

The Face we choose to miss—

Be it but for a Day

As absent as a Hundred Years,

When it has rode away.

[Poem #1141 by Emily Elizabeth Dickinson]

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Somewhere-In-Between

                            [Photo Source:  Google online images]

(25 OCT 2011 --   THERE are so are many In-Between stages in Life: Youth and Old Age, Childhood and Adulthood, Engagement and Marriage, Student and Graduate, Marriage and Divorce, Spring and Winter, and ...  WHERE you are NOW and WHERE  you will be TOMORROW.  dht-2011)

THERE was a day of birth –

so many years ago.

THERE is a day of death –

come nearer even now.

THERE is then - only this moment In-Between –

where Life lives somehow.

OUR Yesterdays are history –

written on the wind.

OUR Tomorrow a Dream –

misted in Hope.

OUR Today a gamble or a guarantee –

Somewhere – In - Between.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]