[Photo Source: Google online images]
(24 NOV 2010 -- Every year the grief and pain that are my constant companions threaten to overwhelm my Spirit. Once there was Hope and Trust in my Dreams for a Life full of "Life's" little Joys. Now no Joys await me, no anticipation, no hopeful future, no Dreams of what will be. The tears flow as untamed waterworks on my cheeks setting into the fine lines that the winds of time and storms of my Life have set. Is there time enough to get my emotional bearings again? Is there time enough to forget? Is there time enough to forgive? The gut shuddering cry-sessions these past decades, the day dreams, the nightmares, the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades – are spent in a well of depression -- with my memories and mementos. Lost forever are the remnants of Family Life, of marriage, and children. dht)
How do I find my way now?
I am so "lost" in my grief!
I dwell far too much, on what I have Lost!
My Life has been irrevocably shattered, since I have Lost the ones most Dear to my Heart!
I have been in a day-to-day survival mode for years – decades really – and the only way for me to survive is to just forge ahead and not look into the Past at what Was or Could Have been!
My nocturnal dreams are filled with visions of Life as it was and how it might have been. At times, my dreams are of a horrendous nightmare that plays out night after night. And when I try to 'touch' them or connect with them, their substance is Lost, and they become a false reality – a false mirror of Hope.
No healing seems to be taking place. Lessons learned the hard way tell me to expect nothing from Life or People and to take each day one at a time.
A part of me deep inside, longs for a Family Connection. I have reached out to my daughter, spouse, and sister at various times in my Life in an attempt to make a connection beyond the superficial and estranged one they shared.
With the absence of my daughter's and spouse's and sister's Love, I Lost my sense of self-worth, my sense of confidence, my sense of identity, of belonging, of family, and have surrendered to a Life of Depression!
My Dreams of a Life filled with Love, Laughter, and Passion are Lost.
Where are the compassion and companions that will listen to my fears, sorrows, and almost everything that is in my Heart – only my "pen" and "journal".
One Life touched by a few -- now Lost. One Life now but a drop in an ocean of humanity. One Tear but a drop in an ocean.
[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2010]
[Photo Source: Google online images]
