Then it is Winter -- the Winter of my Life

[Photo credit: GOOGLE online images]

(7 Jan 2013 – Each day the image in one's mirror changes.  The years fly by, and then one day the mirrored image is that of a stranger. You touch the mirror, and you touch your face, and then wonder who that older person staring back at you is.  Where is that vibrancy and youthfulness of Yesterday?  How many Yesterdays have passed by, since you last saw that person?  And yet, you 'feel' the same, although the aches and pains of getting older are settling in for the duration.  Below is something I have seen on many websites, but have not found who authored it originally.  It seems close to my thoughts as I enter this new year of 2013, so I have transcribed and rewritten the story, and offer it here for reflection.
~Dorothy Hazel Tarr)

 

                             Then it is Winter -- the Winter of my Life!

 

Time has a way of silently moving by and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems only yesterday I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate.  Yet it is decades ago!  As I reflect now, I wonder where all the years went.  I know that I lived them all.

 

However, now it approaches -- THE WINTER OF MY LIFE -- and it catches me by surprise.  How did I get here so fast?  Where did the years go?  Where did my children go?  And, where did my youth go?

 

I remember well -- seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me.  My WINTER was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.  Now, here it is.  My friends are retired, getting grey, and move slower.  They are not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant.  Some friends are in better shape and some worse shape than I am.  Like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we would be.

 

In my own mirror, I see an older person now.  I see the great changes of Time's Toll all around.  Each day now, I find that just taking a shower is a real goal for the day!  Taking a nap is not a treat anymore, it is mandatory!  For if I do not take a nap of my own free will -- I just fall asleep where I sit, succumbed to Nature's Spell!  I enter into this WINTER season of my life now, unprepared for all the aches, pains, loss of strength, and the ability to go and do things that I wish I had done--but never did!

 

Albeit I know the WINTER season of life approaches, I am not sure how long it will last.  Nevertheless, this I know, that when it is over – it is over.  Yes, I have regrets.  There are things I wish I had not done.  Things I should have done.  Things I could have done.  Then, there are many things I am happy to have done.  It is all part of a lifetime – an Earthly Journey.

 

If you are not yet in your WINTER season -- let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.  So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life -- do it soon!  Do not put things off too long!

 

Life goes by while you are busy preparing for tomorrow.  All too quickly, the tomorrows come and go, and in your WINTER season, your life is seen in a backward glance to the past.  So, do what you can today, for you can never be sure whether this is your WINTER or not!  Whether this is your final season or not!

 

Since there is no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember.  Then hope they appreciate and love you for all the things you have done for them in all the years past!

 

Life is your gift today!  The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after!  Make it a memorable one and live it well !

 

Remember—

It is health that is real wealth, and not pieces of gold or silver.

May you always have Love to Share, Health to Spare, and Friends that Care!

(Original author unknown; transcribed and rewritten by Dorothy Hazel Tarr, copyright Jan 2013)

November Maunderings

 

(1 Nov 2012 – Before I began my Journey into the 'World of Grief', the idea of heartache, sorrow, and depression were mere words.  True, there was pain in my Life – bruised knees, skinned elbows, foot blisters, toothache; but these were just teasers for the kind of sadness that can tear one's Life apart – that can cripple one from the loss of a spouse, children, family, and friends. 

 

Even after over 50 years, it is hard for me to see other couples, children, family, and friends at a park, shopping, in church, or wherever.  Usually my eyes tear when I see a couple who are middle aged and even older—and I feel the pain of loss for that intimacy between spouses.  When that band of gold left the finger on my left hand, so many Dreams left too, with only the memories of what Love could have been if you'd Loved me.  That secondhand band of gold and some faded photos are all that is left. 

 

It is a double-edged blessing to look at photos -- tears and smiles; albeit so hard to look at them, I would not part from the photos for the world.  A photo is a prelude to a memory kept ever fresh and alive of moments lost to the past. 

 

The Journey through this 'World of Grief'  is a daily struggle, it robs one of energy, financial stability, sensibility, joy, happiness, health, companionship, family, hope, faith, and all that is embraced by Love, support, and more. 

 

Emotions come flooding and driving me to my knees in prayer and grief.  It is so hard to 'move on' to any kind of Future, when the Past is always intruding into the Present.

 

There are times when even a fragrance, a song, an image, or a thought bring on a flooding of emotions.  I've heard it is said that there are 'Stages to Grief' that one must pass through at their own pace to find healing and peace.  Well, that is just not true!  Sometime the 'Stages to Grief'  follow a circular pattern, and one can only follow where it leads moment by moment, for there is no 'healing' only some 'scaring' that reopen with the next tear the 'Wounds of Grief'  .

 

Dorothy Hazel Tarr)

 

[Photo source: Google online image]

The Holidays extrude a sense of joy and happiness – its tendrils reaching out to enfold.

 

My Life seems warmed and enriched by the gay colorful trappings and wrappings which symbolize the season.

 

Yet how Cold – how Empty my Life is in comparison to the facade of those surrounds.

 

Sweet dreams that my Life would be full of Love with a Future bright with Family – have faded.

 

Hope of what could have been Rears then Dies in a Heartbeat – leaving behind the ache of a solitary and yearning Heart.

 

Such foolish Maunderings intrude upon my thoughts during Holidays.

 

Folly really – to compare my Life with others.

 

True, it's not all it could be, but many could not wish for more from Life.

 

(Dorothy Hazel Tarr)

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[Photo source: Google online image]

[Photo source: Google online image]

DREAMS SURRENDERED

                        [Photo Source: Google internet images]

(9 June 2012 – How does one say farewell to the Hopes and Dreams of youth?  For many, Hope is the only thing that remains of a tattered Life.  Dreams the only realm where reality gives way – so one can Live with Peace and Happiness.  What does one do?  Where will Life's Journey take one?  When at last, the Hopes and Dreams of a Lifetime are finally gone?  dht)

There was a Time when youthful optimism filled each day and laid lightly on my shoulders.

Albeit, Fortune's Folly was swift to stamp out all remaining embers of Hope that mayhap lingered.

How reluctant to release one's hold - fastened so steadfast to Hopes and Dreams of Love, Family, and Friends.

For so long one's Hopes and Dreams were the Only Companions on Life's Road toward destiny.

Alas, finally, the Hopes for Tomorrow are forfeit and the Dreams Surrendered.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

IN MY MIND – IN MY HEART

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(Jan 2012 – Even happy choices have their sacrifices.  There is a place where Dreams and Reality touch and become as one – a place of complete happiness, a place of harmony in one's Life and aspirations, the heaven of Home and Hearth, contentment of domestic Family living, passion, and Love of a spouse, a well of contentment and feeling safe and secure in the bosom of a Family.  Where is there a place where Dreams and Reality touch – with A Family of my own to cherish and to Love and be Loved by?  Only in my Mind  -–  Only in my Heart.  dht)

How easy it is to let my Mind slip into a fictional Life – where there is a Loving Spouse, Children, and Family -- such are my Day Dreams and Wishful thinking.

Just a Place in my Heart where one can go for a Time – but not for long for the Pain is too intense on the return to reality – my reality!

Love is a rare and precious thing.  Not everyone gets a chance at Love.  Those few that do, have no guarantee it will be lasting.  For some Love will have to wait another day for another reality!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012]

[Photo Source: Google online images]

The Scene in the Window

                          [Photo Source: Google online images]

(1 DEC 2011 – A song without sound – a song without music. A song is sung, but the melody is mute.  dht)

CHORUS:

    Another year passes and

   the scene in the Window changes.

A Knee is bent and a Ring accepted.

A Veil is lifted and a wedding Kiss is shared.

A Child is born and lies in its Crib.

A Gavel is struck and a Marriage is severed.

A Web appears and Youth's image is lost.

A Tear falls and a Timeless River flows.

A Pen in hand and a Life's Story is written.

A prayer of dust-to-dust and a Journey ends.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011] 

                           [Photo Source: Google online images]

RIP – Be Still

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(28 NOV 2011 – My weary Heart beats discordant with Time – for my Heart lies in the Past with my Memories.  Life goes on all around me as Nature takes its turn in Time with the changing of Life's seasons.  My steps are disharmonious with Nature's Time - My Heart is tired of the Loss.)  [dht-2011] 

BE STILL my weary Heart.

Listen to Nature's Heartbeat. –

In accord with the changes of Nature's Seasons.

Rest here in Nature's bosom –

In accord with the changes of My Seasons.

As one with Nature's Hourglass –

In accord with the changes of Life's Seasons.

Rest In Peace my weary Heart –

BE STILL.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011]

                   [Photo Source: Google online images]

The Music Stops – The Empty Chair

                          [Photo Source: Google online images – Musical Chairs]

(5 Nov 2011 -   The place where I once felt a sense of family and belonging, has sat empty for decades.  Time moved on for the others playing the Musical Game, while I waited and wasted my Life hoping and hurting for my "Turn".  dht)

The Empty Chair --

changes through the years –

through births and deaths –

to be filled with a different set

of family members.

The Waste –

Decades come and gone –

Thanksgivings, Christmases, Birthdays, Anniversaries –

when the chairs

of family members

gathered together sat empty.

All the years when there –

could have been –

should have been –

a Family.

The Music Stops –

and the chair occupants change

in a kaleidoscope

of ever changing sequence

of musical chairs –

while My chair sits empty.

 

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011] 

Sweet Taste of Love

 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 – The Sweetness of Life is watered down by the Tears of a wounded Heart.  dht-2011)

My eyes are cloudy -- 

with the feelings of one -- 

whose Life has passed by -- 

without the Sweet Taste of Love -- 

to ease its Passage.

A long ago Dream, unfulfilled -- 

of children, spouse, family, and friendships --

of gatherings at holidays and family occasions --

of tables laden with food from favored recipes --  

of Love and Laughter, of belonging --   

linger in the shrouded corners of my Heart.

Tears fill my eyes

as I dare to Dream

the incredible – the impossible. 

Yet I'm afraid to release the Dream -- 

for fear its absence would be unbearable.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

Ashes on the Wind

                              [Photo Source:  Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 --  Words are a poor consolation prize for someone playing at the game of Life with tokens of bygone memories. [dht-2011])

Where are the words to describe –

the Heart's yearning for –

Hearth & Home, Family & Children –

and a Loving & Faithful spouse.

LOVE and Laughter -- fade

in the lonely years of Winter.

Sobs of regret tangle in my throat –

as my eyes fill with Tears –

that try to wash away –

the Heartache of my Life.

How do you follow your Dream –

when your Heart has turned –

to Ashes in the Wind

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

THE STORY WITHIN

[Photo Source: Google online images --  Fall with many colors on two sides of a Path with depth.]

(I wrote this on 21 OCT 2011, thinking of someone special and how they changed their attitude from one of condescension to prayer for another.  Hopefully, those of my acquaintance will take the time to 'hear' my Story and hold me in their prayers.  -dht)

Whenever I hear an account about the behavior or actions of another – I usually wonder about what Life circumstances led those individuals to the lives that they lead.

There are so many factors that affect our Lives, that influence our decisions, and that determine our Life's Path.

A quick cursory observation of another's Life Decisions, too often result in an unfortunate and biased opinion.

It is amazing to me that so many of those old sayings hold so much truth - - 

"There but for the Grace of God, go I !"  [~unknown]

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes."  [~Jack Handey]

"Three quarters of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world would finish, if people were to put on the shoes of their adversaries and understood their points of view."  [~Mahatma Gandhi]

"You never truly know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes."  [~unknown]

"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own.  And, you know what you know.  You are the one who'll decide where to go.'  [~Dr. Seuss]

It would seem that more compassionate answers would surface, if you were to know the 'whole' of another's situation, and would pause and take the time to wonder and question the motives and actions of others with your Heart.

There is always a Story Within the Story – within the individual – within the situation.  It takes a special person to see "The Story Within".

The rewards of using this kind of introspection are many, but may require one to set aside all their preconceived ideas of propriety, etiquette, commitment, politics, faith, or whatever.  Personal growth and maturation are but some of the rewards for a compassionate Heart and mind.

Learning and understanding The Story Within the Story is an incredible Journey, and one that has precedence in the Biblical Sense – in the miracles of Forgiveness and Love.

So before you venture an opinion about me, try to hear The Story Within the Story of my Life!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]