THE MISTS OF TIME

                     [Photo Source: Google internet images "fog"] 

(9 Sep 2012  Once again I awake from a Dream – the story a continuing saga, the players the same, the time always the Past, and the tears still damp on my pillow.  Life goes on with the 'golden hours' of the first and last hours of sunlight putting paid to the ordinary routine.  Then the magic quality of warmer hues of Living -- give way to the gray shadows in a Landscape of Dreams.)

Like a fog – memories of the Past surface, and the Present vanishes in a gray mist.

 

Reality becomes a series of scenes from the Past that intrude upon thoughts disjointed -- but continuous as in a soap opera story where one is really Living only in the memories -- and the time in between does not exist.  The story is never ending – but with never a happily ever after.

 

Such is the nature of Loss and Grief that take their toll subtly – minute by minute, day by day, year by year – with every tear, until the person who emerges is not the same, but a gray shadow of their former self.

 

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

LOSS – A Sure Thing

                    [Photo Source: GOOGLE online images]

So many things one encounters in LIFE'S JOURNEY are chancy.  I've heard it said that the only things 'for sure' are death and taxes.  Well, I've another that could be added to that list of 'for sures' – LOSS. 

Below is a short prose that I found on the internet by an unknown author.  It says in so many words how one can misplace the value of something, albeit -- grandparents, parents, spouse, children, friends, pets, health, wealth, youth, beauty, eye sight, hearing, limbs , mobility, independence, freedom, faith, trust, love -- the list is endless.

What would YOU put on YOUR LIST?

Submitted by:  Dorothy Hazel Tarr

To realize
The value of a sister / brother --
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years --  
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years --  
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year --  
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months --  
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month --  
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week --  
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute --  
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second --  
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize

The value of a friend or family member --  
LOSE ONE.

Time waits for no one --
Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when --
You can share it with someone special.

Remember....
Hold on tight to the ones you love as long as you can! 

Below are just some closing thoughts – just some one-liners really – make of them what you will!

The JOURNEY ahead is shorter with each passing MOMENT! 

ONE day – all too soon, it will only be a treasured memory!

Love conquers all and overcomes all obstacles.  Or, so some would have you believe.

Gains and loss are part of MOTHER NATURE's grand design. 

When I plant seeds in my garden, I gain a bountiful harvest.  The seed is lost, when the plant grows.  The bounty is lost, when the harvest is gathered.

My childhood dreams were lost, when I realized adolescence.

My dreams of a family are lost, when I got divorced.

My dreams of being a grandparent were lost, when my daughter "sided" with my ex-spouse.

I hope I live long enough to LOVE again.

You are still in my life --  NO, NOT REALLY!

You are out of my life --  NO, NOT YET!

The art of losing is not hard to master -- I practice my "art" each day.

The stages of loss and recovery overlap, but each stage is necessary and a natural part of the healing process.  BUT, I have been in the "healing process" for years!!

I sit in a corner of my mind and cry until I am numb thinking how much I have missed.

I will know when I am ready to move on with my life -- when I accept that life without you is possible.

The only difference in my recovery from one loss or another loss, is the time it takes for me to heal and the depth of pain I feel from the loss.

My healing has a beginning, middle, and maybe an end.  However, the middle is overwhelming me these past many years!

Daily I ask myself, "Am I strong enough to bear the loss of your love?"  The answer is, "Well, you made 'til morning, again!"

There was nothing to do when I lost your love, just accept it and hurt—for years!  Will the hurt never end?!

Some say misery loves company, and mutual suffering eases the pain.  However, friends and family do not have the patience to extend support and encouragement when my JOURNEY of healing has taken over 40 years!

Will I ever love again?  Will love ever find me again?  Will I ever feel "good" again?

The good part of my pain is that it is proof that I am still alive and am surviving.

My loss of love frightens me and feels like a bottomless pit of hopelessness.

I try to run away from the feelings of hurt, desolation, and isolation, but I cannot bury them deep enough, for they emerge with the FIRST Country-and-Western song I hear.

I punish myself with the "if only's".

I cannot forget that I LOVE YOU!

I cannot forget that YOU NO LONGER LOVE ME (if you ever did).

The greater the loss, the more time it takes to heal.  My loss was over 40 years ago, and I am still testing the healing timeline "rule".

My healing these past 40 years since the loss of your love, has been full of ups and downs, leaps forward in the healing, and huge depressing backslides into despair.

The memories of loving you are painful and destructive to my peace of mind.

Before I can progress through this "healing", I have to first get "out of love" with you, which will NOT happen in my lifetime!

I place my hands on my heart and abdomen when they are in turmoil and just try to take deep breaths in slowly and exhale fully.

I take lots of naps and rest a lot, for I cannot sleep because of my dreams of you.

My research into my Family Origins and History help me maintain a sense of structure and order, and give me a feeling of being "connected" again.

I work until late at night on my genealogy on ANCESTRY, until I am exhausted and tired enough to fall asleep and hope I find my dreams are NOT NIGHTMARES!

My plan NOW is to "get over you"; tomorrow I will survive and "move on".

Nothing was as important to me as you were, although at the time I remember thinking that I had so many other important things to accomplish and get done.

GOD let me lean on you until I can stand alone, PLEASE!

I place my hands over my heart when it "hurts", and say to myself, "I am here for you.  I love you."

All the goodness of my life is gone, first you and our daughter, then joy, freedom, and security -- I live in the shadows still.

Holidays are the worst sort of torture without you and our daughter and grandchildren.

These feelings of separateness and isolation will pass, and I WILL get better -- Won't I?

My garden is full of color and blooms, but it is also full of weeds and thorns, and insects.

Before I can experience the happiness of healing, I have to traverse the pathways of pain of separation, rejection, loss of love, and divorce.

My future offers the temptations of rediscovering life, friends, self, and maybe a new LOVE.

I am tempted and want to "skip" the mourning and grieving process, but I know that the only way to recovery is to go "through" each stage of the healing process.  However, 40 years is a long time!  If I do not go "through" the process completely, I know the pain and grief can return later.  Still, 40 years is a long time!

Grief has been "quiet" for a time and I thought it was "done"; NOW, it has returned years later to destroy and threaten my life.

As I look NOW at my hurts and loss, I wonder whether my current situation has reactivated any prior and unhealed losses, and whether old wounds have been reopened that never fully healed.

 [dht]

THE SISTERHOOD

[Photo L-to-R: Dorothy Hazel Tarr and younger sister Betty Lucille Tarr]

(20 DEC 2011 – Time cures all ills and heals all wounds – so say many quotations.  Forgiveness is a blessing one bestows on oneself.  Shame me once, Shame on me – Shame me more than once, Shame on you.  Enough is enough – I've had enough.  It's time to move on and let the past fall away with all the hatred.  The only way it seems to let it "go", is to let you "go" too.  Therefore, I release you from this day from any familial connection to me.  dht)

 I remember you, little Sister, as a little girl, but now I feel that we are strangers with little to nothing in common – but our DNA.

I know I won't hurt your feelings as I say this with complete honesty – you have forfeited your 'sisterhood' and 'familial ties' !!

Dredging up the past only brings painful memories back, and when I see your photos, hear your voice (so like my own), I'm reminded of how deep your betrayal in ALL THINGS!!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011]

Whispered Secrets in a Fog

                             [Photo Credit: Google online images]
  

(30 NOV 2011 – Some words cast new shading on everything one thinks about themselves – now, yesterday, and tomorrow.  How sharp the contrast between my Heart's Abode – now worn and faded with Time's despair – and the images that flash across a reluctant mind, as dazzling and fresh as ever.  Some memories burn too hot to ever fade in the early morning fog.  dht)

 

The softest of breezes ruffles the morning's gray Fog –

Where whispered Secrets are spoken in hushed tones –

Where wisps of a new day play in the early mist.

Astonishing how a few short fierce words can pierce the gray of the world with a single beam of insight.

Then the Sun marches forth to reveal the Mysteries of a brilliant sky –

Then the Whippets of gray disperse in the sunny warmth of a new day.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011]

Winter's Calling – Lost Love

                    [Photo Source: Google online images]

(29 NOV 2011 – Love's bloom died on the branch – never to easily recover from Loss, Pain, and Betrayal.  When does the Pain fade – dull its sharp focus.  The price is too high.  I simply cannot see beyond the gaping maw of my fate before me, though another may.  Some say despair is paramount when one is no longer able to sustain, even for the briefest moment, the notion that all will be well in the end.  Perhaps if they understood how many pieces my heart had broken into, they would then suffer me.  dht)

Slowly – piece-by-piece – is the process of withdrawal unto self, the Spirit withering just as leaves on the tree wither in Winter's calling.

The enfolding warmth of a bright sunny day – loving spouse and Family – fall by the wayside of a troubled Path.

Reality's illusions of Familial Love -- drop away as falling leaves absent the limbs of trees.

Whispers of Lost Love rustle in the breeze, as favorite memories of days gone by -- drop away as dead leaves from barren branches.

As Times passes through Nature's Seasons, the past becomes muted as if the Years belonged to someone else – apart – just as the leaves on the ground seem to have forgotten from whence they sprang.

All Hope of a change of Season – of Heart – with renewed sprouts forthcoming of a Litany of Longing and Affection – died as the fallen leaves from barren branches.

As the last rays of Winter's light withdraws from a frozen Landscape – a cold Heart – the Season falls into Morpheus's embrace with silent tears.

Love's Mystery withered and died – when it should have grown – pushed to the deepest corner of the Heart – where no light shines and only shadows of memories linger.

A new Spring follows the Winter's solstice for some -- for others the Change of Season cannot be weathered and can no longer "move on" with Life's Journey.

Life's Journey is a lesson of survival without Love, without sunshine, without warmth -- bereft of Hope, of Happiness, Youth, Dreams --

Forever Lost – Forever! 

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

RIP – Be Still

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(28 NOV 2011 – My weary Heart beats discordant with Time – for my Heart lies in the Past with my Memories.  Life goes on all around me as Nature takes its turn in Time with the changing of Life's seasons.  My steps are disharmonious with Nature's Time - My Heart is tired of the Loss.)  [dht-2011] 

BE STILL my weary Heart.

Listen to Nature's Heartbeat. –

In accord with the changes of Nature's Seasons.

Rest here in Nature's bosom –

In accord with the changes of My Seasons.

As one with Nature's Hourglass –

In accord with the changes of Life's Seasons.

Rest In Peace my weary Heart –

BE STILL.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2011]

                   [Photo Source: Google online images]

THE SHADOW – IT FELL

                                [Photo Source: Google online images]

(5 Nov 2011 -  It's gone – past – history – NOW, but a moment in Time that plays in the corners of one's memory and lingers after -- as a shadow that fell. 

dht-2011)

So many shapes interwoven  -- each touching another – yet lasting no longer than a fading shadow upon the others.

So many possibilities – each with potential – yet lost in the Timelessness of Fate and Heartache.

So many patterns – each unique in design – yet texture and flavor faded and lost.

The shadows -- but lingering memories that fell on the surfaces of Time.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr -- 2011]

WHERE LOVE GROWS

[Photo Source:   Google online images – Norman Rockwell]

(26 OCT 2011 -- The person within awaits that special someone – that special moment – when the seeds of LOVE will once again find fertile ground and grow.  ~dht-2011)

The first memories of feeling LOVED that I felt, where at age five, when I lived with my maternal grandparents for a year or so.

There were so many reflections of Love in their eyes and their actions.  The feelings and memories have lasted me a Lifetime.  Always, I have sought that Love in other eyes through the years – with a hunger that has never been sated.

A sense of not being worthy of Love is ever present.  I have tried to prove I'm worthy of Loving by serving others, giving of myself to the point of privation, subordinating my Dreams to the dreams of others, and putting my own hurt aside to help others.

Somewhere the seeds of LOVE await fertile ground to spring forth again and grow – nurtured by those who want to really get to know the person within.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

THIS MOMENT

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 – Time's prisoner -- held captive by the Past!  dht-2011)

  

Mistiness clouds my eyes as I look down the Road of Yesterday.

Turning full circle, the Paths to Tomorrow seem crowded with loneliness and despair – only more days like the last, without Hope with No Horizon.

This Moment is all there is and all there will ever be – its captive all I'll ever be.

Yesterday's moments are gone – but their Passage has left deep Heart Felt Wounds.

Tomorrow's hurdles seem more than one can bear.

This moment is all the burden I can manage – it is all I can do to survive even This Moment.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

The Path Behind

                            [Photo Source: Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 - Who is to say how long the Journey?  How long the Heartache?  How long the grieving?  Who can say – when it's done?  There is but ONE LIFE, but many ROADS and many TEARS to pave a Path!  Never again to relive those precious moments Past – Yet Never really living the Present!  Forevermore living on the sidelines and shadows! ~dht-2011)

The Past is so hard to release – 

at times, it is the only Reality –

the only Companion.

There is only the Past –

there is Nothing to take its place –

in the Here, Now, or Future.

The Path ahead holds no interest –

holds no variation –

holds no Hope.

Tis a never ending struggle –

putting one foot in front of the other –

getting through the daily serving –

of Heartache and Despair.

My daily walk -- Footsore –

with wounded Heart --

with eyes continually looking –

at The Path Behind.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

REMINDERS OF THE DAYS

                            [Photo Source:  Google online image]

(22 OCT 2011 -- Memories of Yesterday are a sharp edged sword, that bring to mind moments of Joy, while inflicting the pain of regret.  dht- 2011)

Mementos once held with Joy –

Now open wounds Never healed.

Memories rekindle longings within –

of abandoned Hopes Never realized.

At every turn – the Heart –

finds Reminders of the Days.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

WHERE ONLY SHADOWS DANCE

                                                        [PHOTO SOURCE: GOOGLE online images]

(I wrote this, 13 Jul 2011, in a gray frame of mind, all too frequently occurring.  The "good times" in my life so far removed and their memory fading, seemed to go by too quickly.  Only now as I re-play those favorites, do I feel I was not prepared to savor the precious few bright and clear moments.  With misty eyes and wet checks, I try to recall happier times, despairing at the barriers that the 'bad times" cloud with melancholy. dht-2011)

The days at times are shrouded

in unremitting shades of gray.

Dark shadows obscure

the corners of my life.

MELANCHOLY is as a shroud

that allows only gray scales of color –

NEVER the rainbow rues

of LOVE, JOY, HOPE, BELONGING...

The edges of memories blur –

their shape and texture mute –

with a blink of the mind's eye –

they recede.

How strange it seems they happened

Just As Quick in their Time.

Now replaying those moments over-and-over,

thoughts drift through Barriers

NOT even Time's Gate Keeper can Deny.

The vast darkness so dense at times,

the light cannot invade the Expanse

WHERE ONLY SHADOWS DANCE!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]