LOSS – A Sure Thing

                    [Photo Source: GOOGLE online images]

So many things one encounters in LIFE'S JOURNEY are chancy.  I've heard it said that the only things 'for sure' are death and taxes.  Well, I've another that could be added to that list of 'for sures' – LOSS. 

Below is a short prose that I found on the internet by an unknown author.  It says in so many words how one can misplace the value of something, albeit -- grandparents, parents, spouse, children, friends, pets, health, wealth, youth, beauty, eye sight, hearing, limbs , mobility, independence, freedom, faith, trust, love -- the list is endless.

What would YOU put on YOUR LIST?

Submitted by:  Dorothy Hazel Tarr

To realize
The value of a sister / brother --
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years --  
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years --  
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year --  
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months --  
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month --  
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week --  
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute --  
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second --  
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize

The value of a friend or family member --  
LOSE ONE.

Time waits for no one --
Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when --
You can share it with someone special.

Remember....
Hold on tight to the ones you love as long as you can! 

Below are just some closing thoughts – just some one-liners really – make of them what you will!

The JOURNEY ahead is shorter with each passing MOMENT! 

ONE day – all too soon, it will only be a treasured memory!

Love conquers all and overcomes all obstacles.  Or, so some would have you believe.

Gains and loss are part of MOTHER NATURE's grand design. 

When I plant seeds in my garden, I gain a bountiful harvest.  The seed is lost, when the plant grows.  The bounty is lost, when the harvest is gathered.

My childhood dreams were lost, when I realized adolescence.

My dreams of a family are lost, when I got divorced.

My dreams of being a grandparent were lost, when my daughter "sided" with my ex-spouse.

I hope I live long enough to LOVE again.

You are still in my life --  NO, NOT REALLY!

You are out of my life --  NO, NOT YET!

The art of losing is not hard to master -- I practice my "art" each day.

The stages of loss and recovery overlap, but each stage is necessary and a natural part of the healing process.  BUT, I have been in the "healing process" for years!!

I sit in a corner of my mind and cry until I am numb thinking how much I have missed.

I will know when I am ready to move on with my life -- when I accept that life without you is possible.

The only difference in my recovery from one loss or another loss, is the time it takes for me to heal and the depth of pain I feel from the loss.

My healing has a beginning, middle, and maybe an end.  However, the middle is overwhelming me these past many years!

Daily I ask myself, "Am I strong enough to bear the loss of your love?"  The answer is, "Well, you made 'til morning, again!"

There was nothing to do when I lost your love, just accept it and hurt—for years!  Will the hurt never end?!

Some say misery loves company, and mutual suffering eases the pain.  However, friends and family do not have the patience to extend support and encouragement when my JOURNEY of healing has taken over 40 years!

Will I ever love again?  Will love ever find me again?  Will I ever feel "good" again?

The good part of my pain is that it is proof that I am still alive and am surviving.

My loss of love frightens me and feels like a bottomless pit of hopelessness.

I try to run away from the feelings of hurt, desolation, and isolation, but I cannot bury them deep enough, for they emerge with the FIRST Country-and-Western song I hear.

I punish myself with the "if only's".

I cannot forget that I LOVE YOU!

I cannot forget that YOU NO LONGER LOVE ME (if you ever did).

The greater the loss, the more time it takes to heal.  My loss was over 40 years ago, and I am still testing the healing timeline "rule".

My healing these past 40 years since the loss of your love, has been full of ups and downs, leaps forward in the healing, and huge depressing backslides into despair.

The memories of loving you are painful and destructive to my peace of mind.

Before I can progress through this "healing", I have to first get "out of love" with you, which will NOT happen in my lifetime!

I place my hands on my heart and abdomen when they are in turmoil and just try to take deep breaths in slowly and exhale fully.

I take lots of naps and rest a lot, for I cannot sleep because of my dreams of you.

My research into my Family Origins and History help me maintain a sense of structure and order, and give me a feeling of being "connected" again.

I work until late at night on my genealogy on ANCESTRY, until I am exhausted and tired enough to fall asleep and hope I find my dreams are NOT NIGHTMARES!

My plan NOW is to "get over you"; tomorrow I will survive and "move on".

Nothing was as important to me as you were, although at the time I remember thinking that I had so many other important things to accomplish and get done.

GOD let me lean on you until I can stand alone, PLEASE!

I place my hands over my heart when it "hurts", and say to myself, "I am here for you.  I love you."

All the goodness of my life is gone, first you and our daughter, then joy, freedom, and security -- I live in the shadows still.

Holidays are the worst sort of torture without you and our daughter and grandchildren.

These feelings of separateness and isolation will pass, and I WILL get better -- Won't I?

My garden is full of color and blooms, but it is also full of weeds and thorns, and insects.

Before I can experience the happiness of healing, I have to traverse the pathways of pain of separation, rejection, loss of love, and divorce.

My future offers the temptations of rediscovering life, friends, self, and maybe a new LOVE.

I am tempted and want to "skip" the mourning and grieving process, but I know that the only way to recovery is to go "through" each stage of the healing process.  However, 40 years is a long time!  If I do not go "through" the process completely, I know the pain and grief can return later.  Still, 40 years is a long time!

Grief has been "quiet" for a time and I thought it was "done"; NOW, it has returned years later to destroy and threaten my life.

As I look NOW at my hurts and loss, I wonder whether my current situation has reactivated any prior and unhealed losses, and whether old wounds have been reopened that never fully healed.

 [dht]

THE GOOD TIMES – THEY'LL BE MISSED

        [Photo Source: GOOGLE online images]
 

 (28 JAN 2012 – For every moment that I wished for something FUN and EXCITING, there is a toll.  For every moment of HAPPINESS, there is a debt.  Sometimes, during the longer stretches of contentment, I forget there will be 'hell' to pay.  dht)

  

Albeit the address on the envelope is wrong, TROUBLE has found its way to my door at last.

The tariff on the GOOD TIMES delivered to my doorstep it seems, is past due.

Now, I regret the moments I complained about the sameness and boredom of my days. 

I'll miss the carefree moments, the joy of peace and contentment, and good health that were mine.

Their price must be paid for with the TOLL-OF-TROUBLE that awaits.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

Stepping Through – The Risks / The Promises

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(Jan 2012 – A handful of vanished years gone too soon.  So many unfulfilled Hopes and Dreams.  So many disappointments and regrets living with People who do not return one's Love, Friendship, or Respect.  It is unbearable to care so much, and not to be cared for in return.  There is always the Promise of Tomorrow – Hope for a better Life.  There is only the effort to gather your courage and take the risk and Step Through the Mirror.  dht) 

Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a risk, where something new can pose a sudden threat and where a terrifying state could be waiting for one on the other side of Today to be dealt with as best one can.  Once one takes that Step to "move on", life will never be the same – all that is Now – this Moment – will pass away.  "Moving on" is a risk accompanied commonly by new dangers to be faced, new challenges to be confronted, and new hurdles to overcome.

There are "People" who "move on" in their Lives, Loves, Interests, and leave behind a landscape of discarded spirits scorched and barren, where no seeds of happiness can find ground to root and grow.  Life is short in the Winter Years – there is no time for repeat performances by the "People" who affect one's Life in a negative manner – so remaining alone and divorced and estranged from those "People" is the lesser risk.

The Past – with all its joys and sorrows is safe ground and familiar from frequent traversing.  The Past holds few risks – only remembered regrets and disappointments and tears – some surprises though, too, as New Insight surface from deep reflections of events Displaced in Time.

Loneliness is Loneliness – no matter the number of facebook "friends", extended Family, or acquaintances.  The Winter Years present choices for sure, but Seniors have to accept whatever is offered – whatever is leftover – whenever and where ever – whether it is "Enough" or "Not Enough".  Always Waiting for Love, Hugs, Comfort, Companionship, and Caring.

The Promises of Tomorrow are always ahead – in the Future – a shining lure of happiness just out of reach – untouchable.  Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a test of courage – a test a few are unable to pass and so Live in the Past or leave Life.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012] 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

FROM HERE TO TOMORROW

[Photo Source: Google online images]

 

(22 NOV 2011 -  The Holidays and special remembered occasions bring their own weighted burden to one's Heart – a Birthday, a Wedding, an Anniversary, a Death, a Divorce, a Thanksgiving, a Christmas, a Valentine, a ...   At such Times, all of one's resources are needed, and lots of tissues, to pass through those potent memories so laden with Love and Pain. dht )

All too often, my thoughts turn backwards in Time – to where the memories assail.

Every time I come to a turn in the Pathways in my Life or a Time when the daily routine leaves my mind free to wander – my thoughts drift over the Past like a frequent visitor. 

I wonder anew where my Life's Journey would have taken me if I had made different choices.

Where is the Path to Peace and Happiness?  It surely cannot lie in Tomorrow, although it had its roots in Yesterday – that Path is overgrown now with the weeds of despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears.

Surviving a prolonged state of depression causes one to shift their thinking and straddle emotional distress.

The weight of my past, my memories – is an overwhelming burden that buries my feelings in despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears.

There is nothing like the holidays to bring back old memories of days gone by, lost loves, families estranged, loneliness, and the bittersweet memories of former Times – all past now leaving an emptiness in the Path.

The Last Chapter –
the last part of my Life's Journey.

HOW will it be written?  With despair, pain, regrets, grief, and tears, with an unending –
never-ending sameness –

From Here-To-Tomorrow?

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

Lost Loves - Lost Faces

                                   [Photo Source:  Google online images]
 

(12 NOV 2011 – Some images -- some words just speak to the Heart -- from the Heart.  Below are the words of my maternal Cousin Emily that have a special meaning for me this month, for I was wed in November and 'rode away' in November – and continue to miss the Faces of my Lost Loves in an absence of over 30 years.  dht)

The Face we choose to miss—

Be it but for a Day

As absent as a Hundred Years,

When it has rode away.

[Poem #1141 by Emily Elizabeth Dickinson]

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The Music Stops – The Empty Chair

                          [Photo Source: Google online images – Musical Chairs]

(5 Nov 2011 -   The place where I once felt a sense of family and belonging, has sat empty for decades.  Time moved on for the others playing the Musical Game, while I waited and wasted my Life hoping and hurting for my "Turn".  dht)

The Empty Chair --

changes through the years –

through births and deaths –

to be filled with a different set

of family members.

The Waste –

Decades come and gone –

Thanksgivings, Christmases, Birthdays, Anniversaries –

when the chairs

of family members

gathered together sat empty.

All the years when there –

could have been –

should have been –

a Family.

The Music Stops –

and the chair occupants change

in a kaleidoscope

of ever changing sequence

of musical chairs –

while My chair sits empty.

 

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011] 

THE BURDENS SO HEAVY

                           [Photo Source: Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 – Have you ever had a LOW where there was no light, but only the darkness of depression, where you slumped into an timelessness weighted down by the burdens in your Life without the light of Hope?  Such a surreality is a continuality twined to the Heart of many whose wounds are visible only in the eyes of their Soul.  Where is the Light to show me the Way -- to Calm my Fears -- to Dry my Tears?  ~dht-2011 )

Deep, tearing sobs, escape a Heart –

encased in utter Hopelessness and Despair.

Screams of anguish and anger echo –

through the hollow halls of my body and soul.

No longer can I continue in this way –

but neither can I retrace my footsteps or start again.

So many years full of despair, Loss, disappointment, pain, regrets –

The Burdens So Heavy.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

  

                                        [PhotoSource: Google online images]

REMINDERS OF THE DAYS

                            [Photo Source:  Google online image]

(22 OCT 2011 -- Memories of Yesterday are a sharp edged sword, that bring to mind moments of Joy, while inflicting the pain of regret.  dht- 2011)

Mementos once held with Joy –

Now open wounds Never healed.

Memories rekindle longings within –

of abandoned Hopes Never realized.

At every turn – the Heart –

finds Reminders of the Days.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]