November Maunderings

 

(1 Nov 2012 – Before I began my Journey into the 'World of Grief', the idea of heartache, sorrow, and depression were mere words.  True, there was pain in my Life – bruised knees, skinned elbows, foot blisters, toothache; but these were just teasers for the kind of sadness that can tear one's Life apart – that can cripple one from the loss of a spouse, children, family, and friends. 

 

Even after over 50 years, it is hard for me to see other couples, children, family, and friends at a park, shopping, in church, or wherever.  Usually my eyes tear when I see a couple who are middle aged and even older—and I feel the pain of loss for that intimacy between spouses.  When that band of gold left the finger on my left hand, so many Dreams left too, with only the memories of what Love could have been if you'd Loved me.  That secondhand band of gold and some faded photos are all that is left. 

 

It is a double-edged blessing to look at photos -- tears and smiles; albeit so hard to look at them, I would not part from the photos for the world.  A photo is a prelude to a memory kept ever fresh and alive of moments lost to the past. 

 

The Journey through this 'World of Grief'  is a daily struggle, it robs one of energy, financial stability, sensibility, joy, happiness, health, companionship, family, hope, faith, and all that is embraced by Love, support, and more. 

 

Emotions come flooding and driving me to my knees in prayer and grief.  It is so hard to 'move on' to any kind of Future, when the Past is always intruding into the Present.

 

There are times when even a fragrance, a song, an image, or a thought bring on a flooding of emotions.  I've heard it is said that there are 'Stages to Grief' that one must pass through at their own pace to find healing and peace.  Well, that is just not true!  Sometime the 'Stages to Grief'  follow a circular pattern, and one can only follow where it leads moment by moment, for there is no 'healing' only some 'scaring' that reopen with the next tear the 'Wounds of Grief'  .

 

Dorothy Hazel Tarr)

 

[Photo source: Google online image]

The Holidays extrude a sense of joy and happiness – its tendrils reaching out to enfold.

 

My Life seems warmed and enriched by the gay colorful trappings and wrappings which symbolize the season.

 

Yet how Cold – how Empty my Life is in comparison to the facade of those surrounds.

 

Sweet dreams that my Life would be full of Love with a Future bright with Family – have faded.

 

Hope of what could have been Rears then Dies in a Heartbeat – leaving behind the ache of a solitary and yearning Heart.

 

Such foolish Maunderings intrude upon my thoughts during Holidays.

 

Folly really – to compare my Life with others.

 

True, it's not all it could be, but many could not wish for more from Life.

 

(Dorothy Hazel Tarr)

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[Photo source: Google online image]

[Photo source: Google online image]

DREAMS SURRENDERED

                        [Photo Source: Google internet images]

(9 June 2012 – How does one say farewell to the Hopes and Dreams of youth?  For many, Hope is the only thing that remains of a tattered Life.  Dreams the only realm where reality gives way – so one can Live with Peace and Happiness.  What does one do?  Where will Life's Journey take one?  When at last, the Hopes and Dreams of a Lifetime are finally gone?  dht)

There was a Time when youthful optimism filled each day and laid lightly on my shoulders.

Albeit, Fortune's Folly was swift to stamp out all remaining embers of Hope that mayhap lingered.

How reluctant to release one's hold - fastened so steadfast to Hopes and Dreams of Love, Family, and Friends.

For so long one's Hopes and Dreams were the Only Companions on Life's Road toward destiny.

Alas, finally, the Hopes for Tomorrow are forfeit and the Dreams Surrendered.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

Stepping Through – The Risks / The Promises

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(Jan 2012 – A handful of vanished years gone too soon.  So many unfulfilled Hopes and Dreams.  So many disappointments and regrets living with People who do not return one's Love, Friendship, or Respect.  It is unbearable to care so much, and not to be cared for in return.  There is always the Promise of Tomorrow – Hope for a better Life.  There is only the effort to gather your courage and take the risk and Step Through the Mirror.  dht) 

Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a risk, where something new can pose a sudden threat and where a terrifying state could be waiting for one on the other side of Today to be dealt with as best one can.  Once one takes that Step to "move on", life will never be the same – all that is Now – this Moment – will pass away.  "Moving on" is a risk accompanied commonly by new dangers to be faced, new challenges to be confronted, and new hurdles to overcome.

There are "People" who "move on" in their Lives, Loves, Interests, and leave behind a landscape of discarded spirits scorched and barren, where no seeds of happiness can find ground to root and grow.  Life is short in the Winter Years – there is no time for repeat performances by the "People" who affect one's Life in a negative manner – so remaining alone and divorced and estranged from those "People" is the lesser risk.

The Past – with all its joys and sorrows is safe ground and familiar from frequent traversing.  The Past holds few risks – only remembered regrets and disappointments and tears – some surprises though, too, as New Insight surface from deep reflections of events Displaced in Time.

Loneliness is Loneliness – no matter the number of facebook "friends", extended Family, or acquaintances.  The Winter Years present choices for sure, but Seniors have to accept whatever is offered – whatever is leftover – whenever and where ever – whether it is "Enough" or "Not Enough".  Always Waiting for Love, Hugs, Comfort, Companionship, and Caring.

The Promises of Tomorrow are always ahead – in the Future – a shining lure of happiness just out of reach – untouchable.  Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a test of courage – a test a few are unable to pass and so Live in the Past or leave Life.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012] 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

WHERE LOVE GROWS

[Photo Source:   Google online images – Norman Rockwell]

(26 OCT 2011 -- The person within awaits that special someone – that special moment – when the seeds of LOVE will once again find fertile ground and grow.  ~dht-2011)

The first memories of feeling LOVED that I felt, where at age five, when I lived with my maternal grandparents for a year or so.

There were so many reflections of Love in their eyes and their actions.  The feelings and memories have lasted me a Lifetime.  Always, I have sought that Love in other eyes through the years – with a hunger that has never been sated.

A sense of not being worthy of Love is ever present.  I have tried to prove I'm worthy of Loving by serving others, giving of myself to the point of privation, subordinating my Dreams to the dreams of others, and putting my own hurt aside to help others.

Somewhere the seeds of LOVE await fertile ground to spring forth again and grow – nurtured by those who want to really get to know the person within.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

Sweet Taste of Love

 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(23 OCT 2011 – The Sweetness of Life is watered down by the Tears of a wounded Heart.  dht-2011)

My eyes are cloudy -- 

with the feelings of one -- 

whose Life has passed by -- 

without the Sweet Taste of Love -- 

to ease its Passage.

A long ago Dream, unfulfilled -- 

of children, spouse, family, and friendships --

of gatherings at holidays and family occasions --

of tables laden with food from favored recipes --  

of Love and Laughter, of belonging --   

linger in the shrouded corners of my Heart.

Tears fill my eyes

as I dare to Dream

the incredible – the impossible. 

Yet I'm afraid to release the Dream -- 

for fear its absence would be unbearable.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

The Well – The Walk

[Photo Source: National Geographic online images]

(24 APR 2011 – A special THANK YOU to my friend "sky-bird" for the term "Nature's crew" in this writing – which he inspired and his 'crew days' in the military that he has shared!  dht-2011)

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LOVE grows tended with a gentle heart.

THE more one LOVES, the more LOVE grows.

BUT, not all are fated to find that special someone.

IF we do, sometimes we are fated also to lose that person.

WHAT then the Loss,

SHOULD one despair for the remainder of the WALK,

OR, SHOULD one look elsewhere –

To Family, Friends, Nature's crew, Nature's bounty.

MAY not, there be that single passion called our own,

YET, others may benefit from our LOVE.

OUR WELL overflows with LOVE and needs to flow,

ELSE, it may stagnate and desiccate.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]

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