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[Photo Source: Google online images]

LOST LOVE – ESTRANGEMENT – DIVORCE

 (19 Jan 2012 – Today is the anniversary of the end of a marriage that began in 30 Nov 1963 and ended 19 Jan 1979.  The LOVE that was promised did not thrive and bloom – it was not tended with care and was left to wither into the dust of estrangement and divorce.  My daughter asked me once why I cried over the loss of my LOVE and why I thought all the time about my Lost LOVE  -- especially, she said, because he did NOT think about me but had moved on with his life and remarried.  My unspoken answer is the same today as it was then, I LOVE and CARE for him with all my heart and feel so sad that it was not returned in kind.  I have NOT been able to 'move on' for I hold him close in my Heart and Mind.  dht)

Today I am again alone to celebrate still another Anniversary without my spouse.  I so dread this day...my bad day started January 1 when I knew today was going to be here whether I wanted it to or not.  I know he is with me in my Heart, but it is just not the same.  I celebrate alone his birthday as I do each year, on January 13.  And my own birthday on 22 Jan, I will celebrate alone too.  It never gets easier – each 30 Nov, I celebrate our wedding day.  Then too, there are the special occasions each year that I have missed spending with him and our daughter.  Family estrangements are difficult to live through and survive.  Each day carries its own burdens and tears.  I just do not know if it is ever going to get any easier...any of it...the pain with in my heart is unbearable.  I miss him more now than I ever have.  I long for him.  I long to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much he means to me -- tell him how much I LOVE him.  I miss everything about him and the things we did, shared, and could have shared through the years.  I LOVE you dear with all my Heart, Mind, and Spirit – if only you had LOVED me in return.

The anguish in my Heart and agony of my grief echoes in the empty halls of my Spirit.  The silent storm of my tears through the years a proof of a LOVE lost – the grave and barren existence without you and the Family that I so hoped for.  In many ways I feel blessed that I have known you and our daughter and you were a part of my Life – it is so hard to say goodbye to what was Lost.  I am broken in so many ways I could not have imagined – my Heartaches.  My Life ended when I LOST my LOVE and I have never been sure who I am since.  There is not a moment, hour, day, week, month, year, decade that goes by that I do not grieve the Loss of my LOVE. In my Heart, those I LOVE 'walk beside me' everyday – unseen by the eye, unheard by the ear – yet always near, LOVEd, and missed.

In the book of my life the pages are blank after my LOVE was LOST – all the children that were never born, the birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, grand children – never lived, never written, never to be. 

Life went on – but without me!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

IN MY MIND – IN MY HEART

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(Jan 2012 – Even happy choices have their sacrifices.  There is a place where Dreams and Reality touch and become as one – a place of complete happiness, a place of harmony in one's Life and aspirations, the heaven of Home and Hearth, contentment of domestic Family living, passion, and Love of a spouse, a well of contentment and feeling safe and secure in the bosom of a Family.  Where is there a place where Dreams and Reality touch – with A Family of my own to cherish and to Love and be Loved by?  Only in my Mind  -–  Only in my Heart.  dht)

How easy it is to let my Mind slip into a fictional Life – where there is a Loving Spouse, Children, and Family -- such are my Day Dreams and Wishful thinking.

Just a Place in my Heart where one can go for a Time – but not for long for the Pain is too intense on the return to reality – my reality!

Love is a rare and precious thing.  Not everyone gets a chance at Love.  Those few that do, have no guarantee it will be lasting.  For some Love will have to wait another day for another reality!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012]

[Photo Source: Google online images]

Lost Loves - Lost Faces

                                   [Photo Source:  Google online images]
 

(12 NOV 2011 – Some images -- some words just speak to the Heart -- from the Heart.  Below are the words of my maternal Cousin Emily that have a special meaning for me this month, for I was wed in November and 'rode away' in November – and continue to miss the Faces of my Lost Loves in an absence of over 30 years.  dht)

The Face we choose to miss—

Be it but for a Day

As absent as a Hundred Years,

When it has rode away.

[Poem #1141 by Emily Elizabeth Dickinson]

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LOVE -- Whispers

[Photo Source: Google online images -- Quilting using SINGER peddle sewing machine]

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(Sometimes the threads of LOVE are a silent gesture, a bold token, a thoughtful gift, a sacrifice, a prayer, or whatever ... Woven together, these LOVE threads become a strong bond that can withstand the rigors of life and the tests of time. The bonds become the fabric of our life with all the texture, flourish, whimsy, faith, and strength that make our life rich and full.

Family Lore has many colors and patterns made from these fabrics and LOVE threads that WHISPER IN THE EAR of generations, reminders of our bonds to the past, the hopes of the present, and the promise of the future.

I wrote this today 25 JUN 2011 and dedicate it to my daughter Rebecca Lynne Shoudy Richey on this her 47th Birthday today. Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011)

      [Photo Source: Google online images -- Quilting by hand]

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THE QUILTIN’ TIMES ARE A-CHANGING

For our Great-Great Grandmothers, in quilting times past—

A frugal quilter had to scrimp, make every scrap last—

Today wasting fabric is not such a crime—

Today what’s scarce is a quilter’s TIME.

Patterns used to travel with pioneers going west—

Now we swap and share instantly on the Internet—

Once templates were traced, fabric carefully scissored—

Now we slice multiple layers, we’re all Olfa wizards.

At one time a two fabric quilt was a sign of status—

Now Watercolor quilts have hundreds of prints comin’ at us—

Quilters used to gather at small local quilting bees—

Now we congregate at conferences, national teachers to see.

Like our Great-Great Grandmothers our lives are busy, we’re stressed—

But with the beauty of our quilts, we feel we are blessed—

As with Great-Great Grandmother, our quilting serves many goals—

To give warmth, grace our homes, and feed our souls.

[by CindyThury Smith 1999]



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Web LINK--

For a inspirational poem you may want to visit this web page

[ http://www.promiseofgod.com/quilt/ ].

BITTERSWEET ABSENCE

   [Photo Source: Google online image]

Their absence in my Life is a Bittersweet ache still – that throbs in the back of my Heart, whenever I think of them which is often – but actually all the time!

After all, when I left in 1978 at age 32, they had been my Family – my Loves – for more than half my Life!  He was age 36 and our child age 14  - we were so young to be living in a Family without Love!

Now, at age 65, I still feel the pain of separation – the void where once Family existed and Never would be again in my Life!

However, there were no other options back then, and the pain of "Family" was killing my spirit and body with the sickness of neglect, betrayal, lies, and Lost Love!

The Loss – ever fresh – in my Heart and mind – has Never healed!

Some deep wounds Never do – such as in my case!

Sad and puzzling – really – for there was NO Loss for them – they went on with their Lives – without me – as if I NEVER was there at all, or ever had been!

No wonder then, why I was dying a slow death, day by day, when I resided under the same roof with Them!

The Pain was so BAD – I was seeing two doctors and taking medicine to dull the emotional pain and trauma!

They were killing me slowly!

Moreover, They still are – in their Bittersweet Absence from my Life!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr - 2011]