THE GOOD TIMES – THEY'LL BE MISSED

        [Photo Source: GOOGLE online images]
 

 (28 JAN 2012 – For every moment that I wished for something FUN and EXCITING, there is a toll.  For every moment of HAPPINESS, there is a debt.  Sometimes, during the longer stretches of contentment, I forget there will be 'hell' to pay.  dht)

  

Albeit the address on the envelope is wrong, TROUBLE has found its way to my door at last.

The tariff on the GOOD TIMES delivered to my doorstep it seems, is past due.

Now, I regret the moments I complained about the sameness and boredom of my days. 

I'll miss the carefree moments, the joy of peace and contentment, and good health that were mine.

Their price must be paid for with the TOLL-OF-TROUBLE that awaits.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

WINDS OF TIME

[Photo Source: Google online images]

(26 Jan 2012 --   So many decisions, choices, and options -- challenge every waking moment.  Each has a consequence that only Time will Tell.  Where would I BE, if another choice were made at any juncture?  Would this moment even BE for me, if another choice were elected?  What color my Path?  What reality my consequence?  dht)

Where ever will the Winds of Time may blow.

One's Path is uncertain and without governance.

Our reality a Dream of delights, and disordered nightmares.

Each step along the Path proffers a moment of decision.

Each juncture -- cause for pause and reflection.

Where both obstacles and bridges are to be crossed.

Our Faith the nave source whence strength radiates.

Where mirth and consequence converge.

Where frankincense and myrrh embalm the Spirit.

Each moment is a step in the road toward our Journey's End.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

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 "To finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.  It is not the part of men, but of fanatics, or of mathematicians, if you will, to say, that, the shortness of life considered, it is not worth caring whether for so short a duration we were sprawling in want, or sitting high.  Since our office is with moments, let us husband them." [Ralph Waldo Emerson}

"What's past and what's to come is strewed with husks
And formless ruin of oblivion;
But in this extant moment, faith and truth,
Strained purely from all hollow bias-drawing,
Bids thee, with most divine integrity,
From heart of very heart, great Hector, welcome! "

 [William Shakespeare (1564-1616), British dramatist, poet.  Agamemnon, in Troilus and Cressida, act 4, sc. 5, l. 166-71.  Greeting Hector]

And  entering the house, they found the child with Mary his mother, and falling down they worshipped him.  And opening their treasures they offered him gifts of gold, and frankincense, and myrrh" (The Holy Bible, The Catholic Press, Chicago, Illinois, 1958 – The New Testament, Matthew 2:11).

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BLANK PAGES

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LOST LOVE – ESTRANGEMENT – DIVORCE

 (19 Jan 2012 – Today is the anniversary of the end of a marriage that began in 30 Nov 1963 and ended 19 Jan 1979.  The LOVE that was promised did not thrive and bloom – it was not tended with care and was left to wither into the dust of estrangement and divorce.  My daughter asked me once why I cried over the loss of my LOVE and why I thought all the time about my Lost LOVE  -- especially, she said, because he did NOT think about me but had moved on with his life and remarried.  My unspoken answer is the same today as it was then, I LOVE and CARE for him with all my heart and feel so sad that it was not returned in kind.  I have NOT been able to 'move on' for I hold him close in my Heart and Mind.  dht)

Today I am again alone to celebrate still another Anniversary without my spouse.  I so dread this day...my bad day started January 1 when I knew today was going to be here whether I wanted it to or not.  I know he is with me in my Heart, but it is just not the same.  I celebrate alone his birthday as I do each year, on January 13.  And my own birthday on 22 Jan, I will celebrate alone too.  It never gets easier – each 30 Nov, I celebrate our wedding day.  Then too, there are the special occasions each year that I have missed spending with him and our daughter.  Family estrangements are difficult to live through and survive.  Each day carries its own burdens and tears.  I just do not know if it is ever going to get any easier...any of it...the pain with in my heart is unbearable.  I miss him more now than I ever have.  I long for him.  I long to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much he means to me -- tell him how much I LOVE him.  I miss everything about him and the things we did, shared, and could have shared through the years.  I LOVE you dear with all my Heart, Mind, and Spirit – if only you had LOVED me in return.

The anguish in my Heart and agony of my grief echoes in the empty halls of my Spirit.  The silent storm of my tears through the years a proof of a LOVE lost – the grave and barren existence without you and the Family that I so hoped for.  In many ways I feel blessed that I have known you and our daughter and you were a part of my Life – it is so hard to say goodbye to what was Lost.  I am broken in so many ways I could not have imagined – my Heartaches.  My Life ended when I LOST my LOVE and I have never been sure who I am since.  There is not a moment, hour, day, week, month, year, decade that goes by that I do not grieve the Loss of my LOVE. In my Heart, those I LOVE 'walk beside me' everyday – unseen by the eye, unheard by the ear – yet always near, LOVEd, and missed.

In the book of my life the pages are blank after my LOVE was LOST – all the children that were never born, the birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, grand children – never lived, never written, never to be. 

Life went on – but without me!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]

 

[Photo Source: Google online images]

IN MY MIND – IN MY HEART

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(Jan 2012 – Even happy choices have their sacrifices.  There is a place where Dreams and Reality touch and become as one – a place of complete happiness, a place of harmony in one's Life and aspirations, the heaven of Home and Hearth, contentment of domestic Family living, passion, and Love of a spouse, a well of contentment and feeling safe and secure in the bosom of a Family.  Where is there a place where Dreams and Reality touch – with A Family of my own to cherish and to Love and be Loved by?  Only in my Mind  -–  Only in my Heart.  dht)

How easy it is to let my Mind slip into a fictional Life – where there is a Loving Spouse, Children, and Family -- such are my Day Dreams and Wishful thinking.

Just a Place in my Heart where one can go for a Time – but not for long for the Pain is too intense on the return to reality – my reality!

Love is a rare and precious thing.  Not everyone gets a chance at Love.  Those few that do, have no guarantee it will be lasting.  For some Love will have to wait another day for another reality!

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012]

[Photo Source: Google online images]

Stepping Through – The Risks / The Promises

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(Jan 2012 – A handful of vanished years gone too soon.  So many unfulfilled Hopes and Dreams.  So many disappointments and regrets living with People who do not return one's Love, Friendship, or Respect.  It is unbearable to care so much, and not to be cared for in return.  There is always the Promise of Tomorrow – Hope for a better Life.  There is only the effort to gather your courage and take the risk and Step Through the Mirror.  dht) 

Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a risk, where something new can pose a sudden threat and where a terrifying state could be waiting for one on the other side of Today to be dealt with as best one can.  Once one takes that Step to "move on", life will never be the same – all that is Now – this Moment – will pass away.  "Moving on" is a risk accompanied commonly by new dangers to be faced, new challenges to be confronted, and new hurdles to overcome.

There are "People" who "move on" in their Lives, Loves, Interests, and leave behind a landscape of discarded spirits scorched and barren, where no seeds of happiness can find ground to root and grow.  Life is short in the Winter Years – there is no time for repeat performances by the "People" who affect one's Life in a negative manner – so remaining alone and divorced and estranged from those "People" is the lesser risk.

The Past – with all its joys and sorrows is safe ground and familiar from frequent traversing.  The Past holds few risks – only remembered regrets and disappointments and tears – some surprises though, too, as New Insight surface from deep reflections of events Displaced in Time.

Loneliness is Loneliness – no matter the number of facebook "friends", extended Family, or acquaintances.  The Winter Years present choices for sure, but Seniors have to accept whatever is offered – whatever is leftover – whenever and where ever – whether it is "Enough" or "Not Enough".  Always Waiting for Love, Hugs, Comfort, Companionship, and Caring.

The Promises of Tomorrow are always ahead – in the Future – a shining lure of happiness just out of reach – untouchable.  Stepping through the Mirror of Today into Tomorrow is a test of courage – a test a few are unable to pass and so Live in the Past or leave Life.

[Dorothy Hazel Tarr – 2012] 

[Photo Source: Google online images]