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LOST LOVE – ESTRANGEMENT – DIVORCE
(19 Jan 2012 – Today is the anniversary of the end of a marriage that began in 30 Nov 1963 and ended 19 Jan 1979. The LOVE that was promised did not thrive and bloom – it was not tended with care and was left to wither into the dust of estrangement and divorce. My daughter asked me once why I cried over the loss of my LOVE and why I thought all the time about my Lost LOVE -- especially, she said, because he did NOT think about me but had moved on with his life and remarried. My unspoken answer is the same today as it was then, I LOVE and CARE for him with all my heart and feel so sad that it was not returned in kind. I have NOT been able to 'move on' for I hold him close in my Heart and Mind. dht)
Today I am again alone to celebrate still another Anniversary without my spouse. I so dread this day...my bad day started January 1 when I knew today was going to be here whether I wanted it to or not. I know he is with me in my Heart, but it is just not the same. I celebrate alone his birthday as I do each year, on January 13. And my own birthday on 22 Jan, I will celebrate alone too. It never gets easier – each 30 Nov, I celebrate our wedding day. Then too, there are the special occasions each year that I have missed spending with him and our daughter. Family estrangements are difficult to live through and survive. Each day carries its own burdens and tears. I just do not know if it is ever going to get any easier...any of it...the pain with in my heart is unbearable. I miss him more now than I ever have. I long for him. I long to hold him, kiss him, tell him how much he means to me -- tell him how much I LOVE him. I miss everything about him and the things we did, shared, and could have shared through the years. I LOVE you dear with all my Heart, Mind, and Spirit – if only you had LOVED me in return.
The anguish in my Heart and agony of my grief echoes in the empty halls of my Spirit. The silent storm of my tears through the years a proof of a LOVE lost – the grave and barren existence without you and the Family that I so hoped for. In many ways I feel blessed that I have known you and our daughter and you were a part of my Life – it is so hard to say goodbye to what was Lost. I am broken in so many ways I could not have imagined – my Heartaches. My Life ended when I LOST my LOVE and I have never been sure who I am since. There is not a moment, hour, day, week, month, year, decade that goes by that I do not grieve the Loss of my LOVE. In my Heart, those I LOVE 'walk beside me' everyday – unseen by the eye, unheard by the ear – yet always near, LOVEd, and missed.
In the book of my life the pages are blank after my LOVE was LOST – all the children that were never born, the birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, grand children – never lived, never written, never to be.
Life went on – but without me!
[Dorothy Hazel Tarr]
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